Twenty-Six Pounds for an Hour
(A Turkish restaurant on Green Lanes. The plates have gone. One bill is lying face down on the table.)
Callum: Right. Two hundred and twelve pounds. Four of us. That’s fifty-three each.
Rashida: Fifty-three. Fine. I’m sending it now.
Ingrid: I had soup.
Callum: You had soup and two glasses of wine.
Ingrid: One glass. The second one was Emeka’s and he didn’t want it.
Emeka: I did want it. I drank it.
Ingrid: You drank half of it.
Callum: Okay, so half a glass is what, four pounds? Ingrid pays forty-nine, Emeka pays fifty-seven, and everybody’s being honest.
Rashida: Callum, it’s ten past ten.
Callum: It’s not about the money. It’s about doing it properly.
Emeka: Can I turn the bill over? There’s a line at the bottom.
Callum: There’s always a line at the bottom. Ingrid, did you have bread?
Ingrid: Everyone had bread. The bread was on the table.
Callum: Bread’s six pounds. Six divided by four is a pound fifty each. So that one’s fair.
Rashida: So we’re back at fifty-three.
Callum: We’re back at fifty-three, but now we know why.
Emeka: The line at the bottom says—
Callum: One second. Tip. What are we doing? Ten percent?
Rashida: Ten’s fine.
Callum: Ten’s mean. He came back twice about the lamb, and he took Ingrid’s soup away.
Ingrid: It was cold. The first one was cold.
Callum: Twelve and a half percent of two hundred and twelve is twenty-six fifty. Call it twenty-six.
Rashida: Which is six-fifty each, which nobody has in coins.
Callum: Which is why I’ll put the whole tip on my card. You three send me fifty-three and we can go.
Emeka: Then you’re paying twenty-six more than the rest of us.
Callum: I’m paying twenty-six more than the rest of you and we’re on the bus in four minutes. Everybody happy?
Ingrid: I had soup.
Callum: Ingrid. I love you. No.
(Callum puts his card on the little plate, then puts his coat on and goes.)
Emeka: So. The line at the bottom.
Rashida: Go on.
Emeka: Service charge. Twelve and a half percent. Included.
Rashida: Included.
Emeka: It’s been on there since we sat down. He’s tipped them twice.
Ingrid: Do we tell him?
Rashida: And do all of this again? The bread and everything?
Emeka: He was happy, though. He had numbers and a card and four people listening to him for an hour.
Rashida: Twenty-six pounds for an hour of being listened to. Honestly, that’s cheap.