There Isn't a Fifth Option

(The returns desk on the second floor, the second of January. The line goes back past the escalator.)

Consuelo: Hi. Returning something?

Neil: Yeah. Sorry — is this the right desk for gifts?

Consuelo: It's the right desk for everything today. Have you got the receipt?

Neil: Gift receipt. And the box, and the cable, and the little bag the cable came in.

Consuelo: Great. What's wrong with it?

Neil: Nothing.

Consuelo: Nothing at all?

Neil: It works perfectly. It isn't faulty, it isn't the wrong one, and it's exactly the one I wanted.

(Consuelo taps at the screen.)

Consuelo: I have to put a reason in. My options are faulty, wrong size, not as described, or changed my mind.

Neil: None of those.

Consuelo: There isn't a fifth one.

Neil: Okay, look. My sister asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I sent her a link. She said it took her four seconds and she wished I'd been that specific years ago.

Consuelo: And?

Neil: And I'd already bought it myself. In November, in the sale. Then I put it at the back of the cupboard and forgot I'd done it.

Consuelo: So you've got two.

Neil: I've got two.

Consuelo: Right.

Neil: I was wondering if there's a way of doing this quietly. Without it going back to her, I mean.

Consuelo: The money goes back on the card that paid for it. She'll get a message from us within the hour.

Neil: Of course she will.

Neil: Is there a button for a present I asked for, chose myself, and had already bought?

Consuelo: There is not. I'd press it about nine times a day if there was.

Neil: So what do you put?

Consuelo: Changed my mind. It's the closest one.

Neil: It's the furthest one, honestly.

(Consuelo prints the slip and slides it across the desk.)

Consuelo: Sixty-eight fifty, three to five days.

Neil: Thanks. And sorry about all this. Genuinely.

Consuelo: Don't be. It's the second of January. You're the fourth one today.