Eleven Minutes

(A small office above a dry cleaner in Newark. Kwame has a calculator, a pen, and a pot of coffee that's been on since seven.)

Kwame: So. You said on the phone you want to start investing.

You: Right. Everyone at work is investing and I'm not.

Kwame: Okay. Before we get to that, how much money do you have in the bank right now?

You: About nine hundred dollars.

Kwame: And what do you owe?

You: Does the credit card count?

Kwame: The credit card especially counts. How much, and what's the rate?

You: Around three thousand. Twenty-two percent, I think.

Kwame: Then we're basically done. You don't need me for the rest of it.

You: What? I've been here four minutes.

Kwame: You asked me for an effective plan, and that's it. Pay the card. Every dollar you put on that card earns you twenty-two percent, guaranteed. Nothing I could sell you today is guaranteed, and nothing I could sell you today pays twenty-two.

You: That's the plan? Pay the card?

Kwame: Pay the card. Then keep one month of rent and food in an account you can reach. A boring one. Boring is the point — it has to be there on a bad day.

You: And then I invest.

Kwame: And then, yes. Then you come back and we'll talk about it properly. It honestly isn't complex. Most of it is one thing you do every month without thinking about it.

You: My friend's got an app that—

Kwame: I know the app.

You: He made eleven percent last year.

Kwame: He told you about last year. Did he tell you about the year before?

You: …No.

Kwame: They never do. Look, the thing with the biggest impact on your money over the next five years isn't which fund you pick. It's how much you put away, and whether you leave it alone.

You: That's not very exciting.

Kwame: It isn't.

You: I thought it'd be more complex than this.

Kwame: I can make it complex. People pay more when it's complex. It just doesn't work any better.

You: How long was this meeting supposed to be?

Kwame: Forty-five minutes.

You: We've used eleven.

Kwame: Pay the card. Come back in a year and I'll use the other thirty-four.