“How Are You?” Is Not a Question

In English, “How are you?” is not really a question. It is a greeting. It works like a wave: you send it, the other person sends one back, and neither of you stops walking.

The safe answers are short and they all mean the same thing. “Not too bad.” “Can’t complain.” “Fine, thanks — you?” Learn one and use it for the rest of your life.

The rule is simple. Answer in three words, then send the question back. Somebody in an office kitchen says, “Morning. All right?”

You say, “Yeah, all right. You?”

That is the whole thing. That is small talk: four seconds, no information, and the ice is broken.

Answer honestly and something small goes wrong. Say, “Actually, I slept badly and my back hurts,” and the other person is already two steps past you and has to turn round. They will be kind about it. They will also look surprised, and you will both feel that the morning has become longer than it needed to be.

There is one room where the question means what it says. At the doctor’s, “How are you?” is a real question, and the doctor is waiting for the back, the sleep and everything else. Say “not too bad” in there and you will be out again in four minutes with nothing.